Thursday, February 16, 2006

The Hydrant Gap




The fire hydrant question is one of the most serious issues on Elgin’s agenda. There are not enough hydrants, especially on Main Street. I have to go across the street and down towards town before I can get to a hydrant and my rope does not extend that far, so it has to be on specials “walks” that I utilize this essential piece of equipment.

I have investigated the purchase of new equipment and mapped out a proposed fire hydrant coverage map of the city, which is available upon polite request. I recommend the Model 872B which features the permanent blow off assembly with the air/vacuum valve just beneath the service tap. They will of course feature the standard fire hose thread for the odd ancillary work of fire fighters. The Concrete thrust blocking will parallel the service tap and feature a breakaway doohickey. All deviations from this standard shall be approved in advance in the Mayor’s office. As a special perquisite of office there will be a special blue hydrant just outside my abode on South Main Street, which is no more than 15 feet 7 inches from our front steps.

The new Elgin hydrants will be programmed with an automatic annual flush on 4th July for which residents must be prepared.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Weiner Dog Longs to Represent Sausage Capital



The Sausage Capital of Texas needs a weiner dog in a position of prominance. I am that weiner. I would be willing to undertake grueling travel to exotic locations to promote our town and its famous product. (Remember: reduced airfare for canine compartment) A mayor like my humble self will bring in business.

Archibald Throws Collar in Ring


After many thinkifications I have decided to enter my name as a candidate for Mayor of Elgin. As a homeland security expert I representify law and order and cleaning the cats off the streets. The Animal Control Officer will be directly under my controlovision and the City Council will meet weakly over steak and chips. I am still ponderosating out my positions on the other issues of the day and you can look forward to my scribosities here regularly up until the election. I am humbled to offer my wretched self as your leader.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

 
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Archibald here.

My arthritis is getting to me today. Can’t even outrun the stupid chicken. A lazy day peramburolling through the newpapers. I’m sick and tired of all this woofing and warping about the cartoons. What I want to know more about is the Berlepsch's six-wired bird of paradise. That’s news.

Now I’ve spotted a five-wire here in the rear gardens of our humble estate. But a sixer. That’s something. You didn’t know I was a birder, eh? I’ve been into orthography since I was a wee little weiner. But I can’t really crow about it (sorry) because my image will suffer. I’m still available for security duties. Did you see my adversity in the Courier last week? I thought it was pretty attractive: “Experienced guard for better homes” I don’t want any of those pit bull in the back yard sort of places, doncha know.

But I’m plenty employed here in our home place, even if the housekeeper has to carry me up and down the steps occasionally.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

The Road to Safaga

I drove this road a lot. It crossed the low dry rocky mountains between Qena and the Red Sea coast. I tooled up the coast road – smooth with little traffic. Unlike the valley road north - with the hustle of donkeys invisible under loads of sugarcane or berseem, three wheelers covered with decals, icons and jangling amulets, foreign trucks driven by horny Turks with pinups in the cab, overloaded buses challenging the speed records, and broken down Citroen’s with stolen antiquities in their trunks. The desert was a relief from the Nile valley.

You wanted to avoid driving the Safaga road at night. The big trucks drove without their lights and only turned them on when they thought there was something they should look at. That would be me in many cases, in my plucky little Suzuki Sidekick, lights ablaze. I would be negotiating a hairpin turn on an unfenced curve with a 500 foot drop-off into the wadi below and suddenly came the dazzle of their headlights.

I don’t understand this practice common all over the Levant. Why? Burnt out headlamps maybe? It’s not as if you save any power by not turning on the lights. Even the baladi clunkers are equipped with bright and dim lights like automobiles everywhere. Arrogant hawaga, I was using my brights and dimming for traffic. The locals were much more likely to simply flash their lights on and off to indicate they were annoyed at me using any lights at all. I would be dazzled and unable to see the edge of that moment’s precipice.

Safaga was a dusty nowhere port down on its luck. The tourists were all in Hurghada. I never paid much attention to it, drove through without stopping. Once we ate baby water buffalo there. In 1991 or 1992 there was a ferry that sank on its way to Safaga from Arabia across the Red Sea. It was the story of the hour on TV and in the Wafd, a newspaper I was then plodding through daily with my battered green paperback Arabic dictionary now sitting on the dictionary shelf here in Texas. That sinking took place at night like this one. Some of the men were still up drinking coffee, maybe having a sheesha. Women and children were in their cabins. Out of some hundreds on the ship one woman was saved. I pictured them swimming in those black tents the women would be wearing. I saw them trying to hold their children. I saw the men clamoring into the lifeboats.

I had been on an Egyptian ferry not long before, crossing the Mediterranean from Latakia to Alexandria. The captain invited me to his cabin. God, they’re all alike, aren’t they? He told me the ship was to be scrapped after this journey. Would I like to join him in Cyprus tomorrow morning? I brought along the Egyptian woman sharing my stateroom which cooled his enthusiasm. She was to crop up in my Levantine life at several odd turning points and she would die in my car on the desert road from Cairo to Alexandria in a couple of years.

This Friday maybe 1000 people drowned in the Red Sea out from Safaga. The newspapers tell us they were Egyptian workers in the rich Saudi economy and returning pilgrims. They don’t know, of course, but that could be predicted. Maybe there was a lone Australian backpacker who had done the hajj and was on a year off from work as a software engineer in Kuala Lumpur. An old man from Esna visiting his new grandchild in Riyadh. A Yemeni accountant, a Syrian anesthesiologist, a writer, a candlestick maker. Lots of women. Lots of children.